Elephant in the room

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I honestly cannot say I agree with her. But still intersting. And she concentrates only on “partnership love”. Anyway:

It’s Not an Emotion, It’s an Addiction: A Scientist’s Guide to the Brain in Love

We’ve all been there. The racing heart, the sleepless nights, the way one person can suddenly occupy every corner of your mind. We call it love, and for centuries, we’ve left it to poets and philosophers. But what if the most intense experience of our lives is not an ethereal emotion, but a powerful, ancient survival mechanism hardwired into our brains?

Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher has spent her career putting love under the microscope—or more accurately, into a brain scanner. Her groundbreaking research reveals that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a fundamental drive, as potent as hunger. Here’s what she wants you to know about the science of attraction, heartbreak, and making love last.

1. The Core Truth: Love is a Primal Drive

Forget what you think you know. According to Dr. Fisher, romantic love isn’t an emotion that lives in the conscious, evolved parts of your brain. It’s a drive that originates in the brain’s primitive reward system, specifically a tiny factory near the base of the brain called the Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA).

This region is part of our “reptilian brain,” responsible for basic survival needs. The VTA produces dopamine—a powerful neurotransmitter associated with motivation, focus, and craving—and sends it throughout the brain. This is why love feels less like a choice and more like a takeover. It’s a biological imperative designed for one purpose: to focus your mating energy on a single individual and start the process of reproduction.

As Dr. Fisher puts it, this drive is like a “sleeping cat” that can be awakened instantly, making it feel both magical and maddeningly out of your control.

2. The Three Systems of Mating: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment

Love is not a single phenomenon. Dr. Fisher has identified three distinct, yet interconnected, brain systems that evolved for mating and reproduction. Understanding the difference is key to understanding your own relationships.

• Lust (The Sex Drive): This is the craving for sexual gratification. Driven primarily by testosterone in both men and women, it’s not focused on any one person. It’s the engine that gets you “out there looking.”
• Romantic Love (Attraction): This is the main event. When you fall “madly in love,” your brain’s dopamine system goes into overdrive. This creates the hallmarks of early love: intense focus on the beloved, obsessive thinking, craving, and euphoria. You can feel lust for many people, but you can only be in love with one person at a time.
• Attachment: This is the calm, secure feeling you have with a long-term partner. It’s driven by the “cuddle hormones,” oxytocin and vasopressin. This system evolved to help partners stay together long enough to raise a child through infancy. It’s the warm, comforting bond that replaces the frenetic energy of early romantic love.

You can experience these in any order. You might feel deep attachment for a friend, only to have romantic love ignite years later. Or, a casual sexual encounter (lust) could unexpectedly trigger the dopamine system, plunging you into love.

3. Why Heartbreak is a Real, Legitimate Addiction

If you’ve ever felt like you were going through withdrawal after a breakup, you were. Dr. Fisher’s most famous study put recently-dumped people into an fMRI machine. The results were stunning.

The brain regions that became active when they looked at a photo of their ex were the same areas that light up in the brains of cocaine and heroin addicts craving their next fix. Specifically, she saw activity in:

1. The VTA: The reward system was still pumping out dopamine, creating an intense craving for the person who was gone.
2. The Nucleus Accumbens: A key region associated with all addictions.
3. Regions for Physical Pain: Explaining why heartbreak can literally, physically hurt.

This proves that romantic love is a powerful addiction. When you’re rejected, you don’t stop loving the person; in fact, the drive can intensify, leading to obsessive behaviors and deep despair. Understanding this can help us be more compassionate with ourselves and others going through it. It’s not weakness; it’s a brain in withdrawal.

4. The Modern Way to Love: “Slow Love” and Making It Last

Dr. Fisher’s work with Match.com on the annual Singles in America study reveals a major shift in courtship. We are in an era of “slow love.” Instead of rushing into marriage, people are taking their time to get to know a partner thoroughly before committing.

The rise of video dating during the pandemic has accelerated this trend, creating a new, crucial step in the process. Video chats are becoming a “pre-date” screening tool where people can build a connection, value honesty and conversation over looks, and decide if someone is worth the time, money, and effort of an in-person date.

The result? First dates are becoming more meaningful, and fewer frogs are being kissed. By extending the courtship process, people are making more informed decisions, which Dr. Fisher believes will lead to more stable partnerships in the long run.

Her advice for keeping the flame alive long-term is rooted in this same brain science:

• Sustain the Sex Drive: Maintain physical intimacy.
• Sustain Romantic Love: Do novel things together. Novelty boosts dopamine and can help rekindle those early feelings of excitement.
• Sustain Attachment: Stay in touch. Holding hands, cuddling, and other forms of physical affection boost oxytocin and reinforce the bond.